After all the swiping on Tinder, you’ve finally met someone IRL. He’s hot, smart, funny and you have great chemistry. You fall instantly, smittenly, madly in love with this guy – (or at least you lust after him and follow him on social media). “He’s perfect!” you tell your friends. Sure, there are a few red flags that you have overlooked. I mean, everyone has his flaws, right? That doesn’t mean you can’t have a perfectly fantastic relationship with the hot object of your affection!

Should you ignore those red flags and hope for the best? In some cases, we are our own worst enemy when it comes to dating, and we do look to sabotage our own happiness. But as is more often the case, we really want the idealistic vision of “true love” to happen, and so we view our relationships through rose-colored glasses until we are willing to look at things a bit more objectively. A recent essay in The New York Times brought this reality home for me. She ignored the red flags.

Her man never talked about himself. She knew nothing about his life. She had no idea where he lived, though he was happily picking her up at her apartment for their evening rendez-vous. But after a few weeks, he became unavailable. He didn’t respond to texts or calls for days at a time. A friend noticed the red flags before she did – and when she finally confronted him, she found out he was married with kids. You can imagine this woman’s devastation. It’s time to let him go.

He gets angry for no reason. Were you a few minutes late for your date, or did you make a negative comment about his choice of restaurant? Small problems and miscommunications that lead to long or heated arguments are a sure sign of toxicity. He’s jealous. Does he ask where you’ve been and who you’ve been with on a regular basis? Does he accuse you of cheating even though you’re not? Does he make you feel beautiful and then turn around and make you feel insecure in the next breath?